In my daily life I come across countless “normal” people all the time. Thanks to Nintendo and motion control, these everyday people are now considered gamers, and are being catered to currently by all those decision makers and movers and shakers of the video game industry. The mad moms in minivans, the corporate suit, college girls and of course, grandma. They are all being fitted for a gamers hat as we speak.
With the influx of motion control gaming beyond just the Nintendo Wii, someone is going to have to show these people around our neck of the woods. That’s what I’m here for, to give the casual market a crash course in today’s video game world. Microsoft and Sony are both vying for those Nintendo dollars. In the midst of all of that fracas, there is no one to ease the consumer into a world that he or she is not ready for. Grab your purse, granny, we’re going video gaming!
If your seat is buckled and you’ve signed the release form then hit the jump!
Hello there! I’m no Kevin Butler or Major Nelson, but I’m here to show you what exactly it is you casual gamers are in for. You may think you’re ready, maybe because you’ve played a few rounds of Madden with your boys while drinking brews. Perhaps you went over to your neighbor’s house and played some Wii Bowling or Wii Ski. Maybe you just bought the Wii for your kids so they could stay out of your hair while you cooked/cleaned/answered those chain letters. Either way, you’re in for a real treat.
Sony has come a long way since the days of Crash Bandicoot charging the Nintendo offices, calling out Mario. The PlayStation 3 is a powerful machine, capable of way more than you could probably imagine. Don’t be alarmed by the X-Media Bar. Chances are you’ve never seen something like that. The interface is not very user friendly. Take the time to actually find where everything is and then memorize it. You’ve come this far. There is no going back! You’re the one who bought the darn snow cone motion thing... now get used to it. After you’ve familiarized yourself with the PlayStation 3 and its many features then get ready for some fun!
Install times? Why, yes. 30 minutes to be exact. You’d better go fix yourself a cup of your favorite green tea, or throw on an old episode of Friends. It’s gonna be a while. Friends list? What? I know. I know. I was wondering the same thing. You acquire friends on your PlayStation 3 by either playing with people online or adding someone you know who is a part of this crazy gaming cult. Playing games online is a bit tricky, and I must admit that it’s something that even I have never done on the PlayStation 3. Okay, now you’ve got the game installed. This next part I can probably let you do by yourself. If you have any problems just let me know.
Warning: Please do not go to PlayStation Home. If you value your sanity, you will not enter this strange domain. Yes, those are zombies, wookiees, dolphins and Klingons doing a synchronized running man. Don’t say you were not warned.
Trophies? I wouldn’t know.
Hi! Are you ready to try your Kinect? I know you saw the demo of the cute little furry tiger. Yes, Kinectimals sounds like a lot of fun. I have to be honest with you though, when I first heard of it I swore it was a breakfast cereal. Kinectimals, by the Kellogs Corporation.
Now, turn on your Xbox 360. Depending on which version you get you’ll probably be prompted to update. Trust me, this goes a lot faster than the PlayStation 3. Yes, I know you see ads. Yes, I know you paid for a gold account. It’s Microsoft, after all... they have to keep their shareholders’ pockets filled with greenbacks. You can now start by creating your cutsie Xbox LIVE avatar. No, not like the blue crap you saw at the movies. An avatar is a virtual representation of yourself, much like the Miis that you’re used to already. However, this one has an avatar marketplace where you can load up on virtual crap for your avatar. Yes, you must pay for these items. Point system? Yeesh! Haven’t you been paying attention? This is Microsoft, the video game equivalent to George Lucas and his money-grubbing carcass. After you’ve made your Xbox LIVE avatar, no doubt probably decked out in some Adidas shoes and other name brand clothes, you are ready to continue.
Fill out your profile, blah blah blah. This is pretty self explanatory. Go ahead. I’ll wait. Okay. Another thing you’ll notice is your gamerscore. This is nothing but an Xbox E-ego. When you unlock achievements in the game you’ll hear a bloop sound and your gamerscore will go up. No, those points you build up aren’t worth anything. They’re just something nice to look at. They’re much like trophies, which, I still know nothing about.
I think you’re about ready now. One quick thing... and I only say this because knowing how video games are designed now, they will do this. When you get ready to go online and play the Kinectimals multi-player, you might hear some really bad four letter words aimed at your mother, your father and your little dog, too. Also, you’ll hear plenty of race-related rants, jabs and phrases that would make even Mel Gibson wince. Yes, it is normal. All you can do about it is gasp, clutch your pearls and try your best to ignore it. No, Microsoft won’t do anything about it. Reporting it does not help. Also, no, you will probably not hear this on PlayStation 3, because only 12 people play multi-player there and only 1/3 of them have microphones. The end.
Follow these steps and you should be okay. Welcome to the world of gaming. Watch your step, don’t steal anyone’s kills and for the love of all things holy, do not camp!
In all seriousness, casual gamers who cross over into hardcore gamers' territory might not be this lost. If the casual Madden players or Call of Duty players can handle their friends jeering at them when they get whooped, then they can handle a XBL or PSN crowd. The Kinectimals and LittleBigPlanet crowd would probably never even take their game online so they won’t run into half the crap that we have to with the ads, and the constant updates on PS3 that we have to hunt down and find. The transition won’t be smooth by any means, but I think eventually we can get along like car drivers and bikers by sharing the road.
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